Written by Cory Wolbach, Civic Leadership Manager, SV@Home
If you’ve looked around lately, you might have noticed that things are terrible. Especially when it comes to housing. (And climate change. And wealth and political and social inequality. And international relations. And technology. And how all of these intersect.)
To change things, we need more people power. To get more people, we need to build coalitions. To build coalitions, we need to bring people into coalitions. To bring people into coalitions, we need to talk to people.
But what if talking to people is hard?
This is my confession and also a chance to share some lessons.
Through my 20s, I was so certain that I was an extrovert. I could spend hours with friends. I’d learned to talk to strangers when traveling alone. I enjoyed throwing parties big and small.
(In hindsight, thanks to the wonders of confirmation bias, I conveniently ignored all the time I spent alone in adolescence. I ignored that I had to work to learn to talk to strangers. It was hard to make new friends until I had practiced it for years.)
Then, as I entered my 30s, I started to realize how tired I would be after spending a lot of time with groups. For only a couple years in my late 20s to early 30s, I had a chance to live alone and I loved it. A friend suggested I might be something called an “ambivert”. She said I could have both an extrovert side and an introvert side.
Then I ran for office. In 2014 I ran for the Palo Alto City Council. The election was so close that I didn’t know if I’d won for about two weeks. But even the first day after the election, something had changed. Or, at least, something had been revealed.
Was I…an introvert? Had always been an introvert, but in denial about it? Running for office was the ultimate test and it came back with swifter results than that 2014 ballot. I need my Me Time.
(Running for reelection after this awakening was a lot harder. That was likely a significant — though not the sole — reason I didn’t win in 2018. But that’s a story for another time.)
Fourteen months after I left public office, COVID hit. I was stuck at home for over a year, with only the two people I lived with at the time for in-person company. It was great.
Introversion confirmed.
I might be a social introvert (I do like spending time with some people). But I am an introvert. And I’ve had to reconsider and relearn a lot with that insight. Especially since a big part of my job is helping other people prepare to run for office or otherwise step into public life.
I had a great conversation last week with someone who just graduated from our Civic Leadership Program. They shared that they had felt apprehension before each of their meetings with other cohort members. Mind you, meeting the other members of their cohort 1-1 was a requirement for everyone in the cohort. This person I met with after the program shared that every meeting was good in hindsight. But that didn’t change how they felt going into each meeting.
Over our own 1-1 over coffee, we discussed a few ideas about how to enjoy 1-1s. So, here are some proposed ideas we came up with for fellow introverts:
1. One thing to like
If you’re talking to someone, think of them as a potential friend. Meeting someone for the first time, whether by chance, for work, or because someone recommended you connect? Set a goal for yourself: “I’m going to find one thing I like about this person.”
What might you like about them? Anything! It might be something simple and human about how they behave. It might be a value they hold dear. It might be something about their biography. It might be something about their work which interests you. It might be a hobby that you think is kind of cool, even if it’s not something you do or even want to do yourself.
It might be just the fact that they are passionate about something — anything. That something which, if you ask them about it, their eyes light up and they get excited to have someone to share their passion with. If you give them a chance to talk about their favorite topic, you will probably make them more comfortable with you. Finding something to like about someone will usually make it easier for them to like you back.
This isn’t about trying to make everyone you meet into a bestie. This is about getting over our social anxiety, our self-doubts, our doubts about others, and awkward small talk. This is about finding a way to connect with another human being as human beings. This is about getting out of our own way.
2. Don’t Make It About You
Don’t like talking about yourself? Great! You barely need to talk about yourself. Prepare a few basic facts and a couple simple stories about yourself that you can share when you meet people, but don’t worry about going deep. Just share enough so that they will be able to see you as a person — a real person. Just enough to start to establish trust, so you don’t look shady. Thinking about running for office or doing something else that makes people ask about you? Same thing.
But, you ask, how can I just not talk about myself? Well, take the tip from above and flip it. Tell them about the thing you are passionate about. In a social setting, it’ll show them you have interests. Being open about your interests makes it a lot easier to find out who else might share them.
In a political context, most people don’t actually want to hear a lot about you. They just want to trust you. In my opinion (for whatever it’s worth), politics shouldn’t be primarily personal. Be ready and be honest, but you aren’t the main story anyway.
If we’re trying to change the world, it can’t just be about us. Most political conversations should be about:
- What we care about (values)
- What the future we want to create looks like (vision)
- How we could implement that future (policy)
- Who or what is in the way (adversaries and obstacles)
- How we can get overcome those adversaries and obstacles (strategy)
Look at some of the best political communicators in America today (e.g. AOC, Mamdani). How much do they talk about themselves?
3. Fake It Till You Make It
Just do the thing. Don’t overthink it. If you have to meet someone, just meet them. If you have to talk to a group, just talk to them. Do the preparation you need to go in with some semblance of confidence. Practice. Repeat. Social skills are just skills. Nobody is born with skills. We learn them through deliberate practice.
Focus on what matters. Don’t get stuck on the other stuff. And practice.